Here is a silly seasonal one to make you giggle or groan by your brittany fireside this christmas-
A turkey and a sprout walk into a bar and the bartender says " sorry,we dont serve food" !!
What's the difference between a Snow Man and a Snow Woman?
Thanks,will be sharing that one
Simple funny jokes - love them (no swear words and not rude) lets have some more please.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks!!
Now that Blatter and Platini have been banned from football, it frees them up to go to OT and watch United under LVG.
(Not Christmassy, but definitely current!!)
a boxer (not the dog type) goes to the doctors and says he can't get to sleep so the doctor says have you tried counting sheep,, the boxer says yes but every time i get to 9 i get up
A Christian and a Hindu were having breakfast, the Christian says I can see Jesus in the margarine, the Hindu says I can't believe it's not Buddha.
" It's a boy, it's a boy " he cried, tears streaming down his cheeks.That's the last time he visits a Thai brothel !
The teenage lad staying with his Gran asked her if she had seen his pills (LSD) , she replied "No, but come and have a look at these dragons in the kitchen !"
Joyeux Noel et Bonne Annee 2016 to all who write on the forum . It keeps me in touch with my beloved France now I'm in the UK .
Sorry, that was aimed at Maias Mum.. :/
Lots of giggles here from some of these witty jokes,thanks for sharing you lovely people and helping spread a bit of christmas cheer.
I spat out my wine when I read the I cant believe its not buddha,very funny.
Keep them coming,as they are far better than what we are going to be hearing after the crackers have been pulled.
Love and light
Just been to the doctors about my compulsive thieving from the Apple store. He said take 2 tablets every 4 hours, no more than 8 tablets in 24 hours. Anyone want to buy an I pad?
Just discovered a new tomb in Egypt...mummy was encased in chocolate and hazelnuts. They think it's the Pharoah Rocher...
whats brown and stcky??
What game do the angels play at Christmas?
Ping pong merrily on high ????????
Oh come on!!
At the school nativity play one of the three kings was nervous. The first king stepped forward and said, ' I bring gold, ' the second said, ' I bring myrrh. ' There was a long pause and then the third king said, ' Umm, this is from Frank! '
The original three kings were visiting the new born in the manger. One of them whacked his head on a low beam and shouted, ' J e s u s! '
Mary said, ' Quick Joseph write that one down, it sounds better than Derek! '
How does Santa get medical treatment? On the National Elf.
When I was boy we were so poor our local newsagent sold calenders with 25th of December missing.
Who is Rudolf's favourite singer? Beyonsleigh.
What a fantastic post! Had me giggling all day. Well done OP and none of the usual trolls have stuck there oar in Ans spoiled it!
Oops - "and" spoiled it. Too much Christmas spirit I think!
Cockerel… “Merry Christmas “….
Turkey… “f**k off” ….
And an old one: What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
Why don't penguins fly?
Because they're not tall enough to be pilots!
Sorry, but, I too, don't understand Maias mum's joke!
You need to be a footy fan - sorry!!
Brilliant post! Steve51 really made me giggle with the three kings jokes! Well done Jamie for starting this one off
A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
A: Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
A good looking women approaches the ugly bar man in the pub , she rubs her hands thru his hair , caresses his face , touches his lips ,and winks at him and he thinks all his Christmases have come at once .
he cant believe his luck and says " look I get off at 11pm so you can come back to mine if you want and we can ...u know take it further"
she replies " no you are ok thanks , I just wanted to let you know there is no toilet paper in the ladies"
Another old one
whats a turkey and Freddy Mercury got in common?
Neither are gonna make it til Christmas..
Santa came home and his wife asked "Did it reindeer"
Tick V G Yuletide greeting Jamie, I hope the season brings you what you need.
Oui...dix points Jamie !!!
Two eggs in a pan of boiling water,one says to the other 'Isnt it horrible sitting here in this boliing water ',to which the other replied ' this is nothing mate,when we get out they will smash our heads in' !!
Love and christmas lights
My friend Gav died yesterday. He died from taking heart burn tablets. Can't believe Gavisgon
Teacher asked the children in her class to bring something in related to christmas. The teacher says to little Mark " what did you bring" he replied " wrapping paper" " excellent" she says, she then asks little Susie what she has brought in, " a christmas bauble miss", "excellent" she says, then she asks little Johnny, he says " a pair of knickers miss", she says " but what are they to do with christmas", he says " they are Carols"
I have to thank a good friend in Burgundy for this one-
A guy goes into the doctors and says that he can not stop eating christmas decorations,the doctor says ' yes I see the problem, you have got a bad case of tinsellitus ' !!!!!
Its lovely to see the humerous side of you all and I thank you with all my heart for taking a moment to share your christmas spirits with others and helping us enjoy our christmas by making us giggle..
Seasonal love to you all
Jamie and cockney xx
Dear Jamie - I fly in all the way from deepest darkest Dordogne to read your postings . . . this one deserves to go viral! (But don't worry, the doctor will have something to treat it).
I wish you and all creatures great and small who are dear to you A Very Happy Day tomorrow!
Why does Santa have three gardens?So he can 'ho ho ho'!
What kind of motor bike does Santa ride? - A Holly Davidson
Who says 'Oh, Oh, Oh'? - Santa walking backwards!
Season's greetings to all my friends on AngloInfo and the best of everything for 2016 xx
JCF A Very Happy Christmas from St, S.
We are very much enjoying the funnies.The first one about the turkey and the sprout had to be explained to K and our adult daughter.The grandchildren of 7 & 9 chortled immediately !
Heavitree,wishing you,your good lady and kids and further down the family tree a very merry christmas. Happy to have made the littleuns smile. Look forward to seeing you in 2016.
What is an Ig?
An Eskimo's home without a loo!
(As you will probably have guessed - it was taken from today's Xmas cracker)
Husband and wife are strolling through the streets of Moscow one Christmas evening when the weather changes.
Husband: ' It's starting to rain.'
Wife: ' No it's sleet. '
Husband: ' No, it's definitely rain. '
Wife: ' I'm telling you it is sleet! '
Husband: ' Well my old friend Rudi lives nearby, bit of a weather expert, we'll ask him. '
Rudi: ' Definitely rain. '
As they walked away...
Husband: ' Told I was right. Rudolph the Red nose rain dear.'
That should've read 'Rudolph the Red knows rain deer.'