Christmas joke

46 Replies

Here is a silly seasonal one to make you giggle or groan by your brittany fireside this christmas- A turkey and a sprout walk into a bar and the bartender says " sorry,we dont serve food" !! Luvnstuff Jamie xx

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knobdog 1450747370

like x

Farmglass 1450775635

Question:


What's the difference between a Snow Man and a Snow Woman?


Answer:


Snow Balls.


 


 


 


 

itinerant child-414831 1450776099

:-)) 


Thanks,will be sharing that one


xx

jaykay-10041854 1450776169

Simple funny jokes - love them (no swear words and not rude) lets have some more please.

Kernana-407546 1450779042

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?


 


Frostbite

moi-383589 1450779516

Why did the turkey join the band?


Because it had the drumsticks!!

Maias mum 1450781469

Now that Blatter and Platini have been banned from football, it frees them up to go to OT and watch United under LVG. 


(Not Christmassy, but definitely current!!)


 

Sarah 1450783733

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.

 

What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!

tofty55 1450785953

a boxer  (not the dog type) goes to the doctors and says he can't get to sleep so the doctor says have you tried counting sheep,, the boxer says yes but every time i get to 9 i get up

jackelliot 1450787266

A Christian and a Hindu were having breakfast, the Christian says I can see Jesus in the margarine, the Hindu says I can't believe it's not Buddha. 

rosieholt 1450788170

" It's a boy, it's a boy "  he cried, tears streaming down his cheeks.That's the last time he visits a Thai brothel !


The teenage lad staying with his Gran asked her if she had seen his pills (LSD) , she replied "No, but come and have a look at these dragons in the kitchen !" 


Joyeux Noel et Bonne Annee  2016 to all who write on the forum . It keeps me in touch with my beloved France now I'm in the UK .

kevanfee 1450791515

English please...

kevanfee 1450791587

Sorry, that was aimed at Maias Mum..  :/

itinerant child-414831 1450797328

Lots of giggles here  from some of these witty jokes,thanks for sharing you lovely people and helping spread a bit of christmas cheer.


I spat out my wine when I read the I cant believe its not buddha,very funny.


Keep them coming,as they are far better than what we are going to be hearing after the crackers have been pulled.


Love and light


Jamie xx

jackelliot 1450799580

Just been to the doctors about my compulsive thieving from the Apple store. He said take 2 tablets every 4 hours, no more than 8 tablets  in 24 hours.  Anyone want to buy an I pad?

PamandAndrew-390752 1450799975

Just discovered a new tomb in Egypt...mummy was encased in chocolate and hazelnuts. They think it's the Pharoah Rocher...

phlophf-409902 1450811360

whats brown and stcky??


a stick


 

Steve51-907091 1450819605

What game do the angels play at Christmas?


Ping pong merrily on high ????????


Oh come on!!

Steve51-907091 1450820706

At the school nativity play one of the three kings was nervous.  The first king stepped forward and said, ' I bring gold, ' the second said, ' I bring myrrh. '   There was a long pause and then the third king said, '  Umm, this is from Frank! '


or


The original three kings were visiting the new born in the manger.  One of them whacked his head on a low beam and shouted, ' J e s u s! '


Mary said, ' Quick Joseph write that one down, it sounds better than Derek! '


 

lakeman-415065 1450825143

How does Santa get medical treatment?  On the National Elf.


When I was  boy we were so poor our local newsagent sold calenders with 25th of December missing.


 

bifna-396742 1450825537

Who is Rudolf's favourite singer?  Beyonsleigh.

Kernowboy-10061199 1450825664

What a fantastic post! Had me giggling all day. Well done OP and none of the usual trolls have stuck there oar in Ans spoiled it!

Kernowboy-10061199 1450827271

Oops - "and" spoiled it. Too much Christmas spirit I think!

handy--man@hotmail.co.uk 1450854075

Cockerel… “Merry Christmas “….


 Turkey… “f**k off” ….    

Ullrich 1450860505

And an old one: What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

Gleaner 1450864275

Why don't penguins fly?


Because they're not tall enough to be pilots!

Watty-794352 1450864325

Sorry, but, I too, don't understand Maias mum's joke!  

Maias mum 1450866851

You need to be a footy fan - sorry!! 

Janouk 1450877916

Brilliant post! Steve51 really made me giggle with the three kings jokes! Well done Jamie for starting this one off

vulcan-395582 1450882132

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.


A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"


 



Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?


A: Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?


 

 



 

Picklelilly 1450884731

A good looking women approaches the ugly  bar man in the pub , she rubs her hands thru his hair , caresses his face , touches his lips ,and winks at him  and he thinks all his Christmases have come at once .


he cant believe his luck and says " look I get off at 11pm so you can come back to mine if you want and we can ...u know take it further" 


she replies " no you are ok thanks , I just wanted to let you know there is no toilet paper in the ladies" 

Hi ho! 1450897044

Another old one


whats a turkey and Freddy Mercury got in common?


Neither are gonna make it til Christmas..


 


 


 


 

John Rodney 1450914366

Santa came home and his wife asked "Did it reindeer"

Wilbury Traveller 1450945848

Tick V G     Yuletide greeting Jamie, I hope the season brings you what you need.

Hi ho! 1450953450

Oui...dix points Jamie !!!

itinerant child-414831 1450956651

Two eggs in a pan of boiling water,one says to the other 'Isnt it horrible sitting here in this boliing water ',to which the other replied ' this is nothing mate,when we get out they will smash our heads in' !!


Love and christmas lights


Jamie xx

jackelliot 1450970255

My friend Gav died yesterday.  He died from taking heart burn tablets. Can't believe Gavisgon 

stagthelad 1450972908

Teacher asked the children in her class to bring something in related to christmas. The teacher says to little Mark " what did you bring" he replied " wrapping paper"  " excellent" she says, she then asks little Susie what she has brought in, " a christmas bauble miss", "excellent" she says, then she asks little Johnny, he says " a pair of knickers miss", she says " but what are they to do with christmas", he says " they are Carols"

itinerant child-414831 1450979548

I have to thank a good friend in Burgundy for this one-


A guy goes into the doctors and says that he can not stop eating christmas decorations,the doctor says ' yes I see the problem, you have got a bad case of tinsellitus ' !!!!!


Its lovely to see the humerous side of you all and I thank you with all my heart for taking a moment to share your christmas spirits with others and helping us enjoy our christmas by making us giggle..


Seasonal love to you all


Jamie and cockney xx

Melou 1450984610

Dear Jamie - I fly in all the way from deepest darkest Dordogne to read your postings . . . this one deserves to go viral! (But don't worry, the doctor will have something to treat it).


I wish you and all creatures great and small who are dear to you A Very Happy Day tomorrow!

1450993253

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!


What kind of motor bike does Santa ride? - A Holly Davidson


Who says 'Oh, Oh, Oh'? - Santa walking backwards!


Season's greetings to all my friends on AngloInfo and the best of everything for 2016 xx 

Heavitree-431035 1450994210

JCF A Very Happy Christmas from St, S.


We are very much enjoying the funnies.The first one about the turkey and the sprout had to be explained to K and our adult daughter.The grandchildren of 7 & 9 chortled immediately !


C.

itinerant child-414831 1450995209

Heavitree,wishing you,your good lady and kids and further down the family tree a very merry christmas. Happy to have made the littleuns smile. Look forward to seeing you in 2016.


Luvnstuff


Jamie xx


 

Iguana Rock 1451077422

What is an Ig?


An Eskimo's home without a loo!


(As you will probably have guessed - it was taken from today's Xmas cracker)

Steve51-907091 1451157012

Husband and wife are strolling through the streets of Moscow one Christmas evening when the weather changes.


Husband: ' It's starting to rain.'


Wife: ' No it's sleet. '


Husband: ' No, it's definitely rain. '


Wife: ' I'm telling you it is sleet! '


Husband: ' Well my old friend Rudi lives nearby, bit of a weather expert, we'll ask him. '


Rudi: '  Definitely rain. '


As they walked away...


Husband: ' Told I was right.  Rudolph the Red nose rain dear.'


:)

Steve51-907091 1451211245

That should've read 'Rudolph the Red knows rain deer.'


Sorry

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